Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey offers invaluable insights into the realm of ‘Consensual Non-Consent,’ enlightening individuals interested in exploring this intense form of intimate expression.
The renowned clinical psychologist, accredited advanced GSRD therapist and sex/intimacy coach
working with couples looking to expand their relationship boundaries outside the ‘monogamy box’ on Channel 4 (UK)’s smash hit reality series, Open House: The Great Sex Experiment, explains:
“A consensual non-consent scene is negotiated where one party gives up total control and autonomy – including the ability to give or withdraw consent – to the other party. The main motivator is when people want to engage in, say, a realistic rape or kidnap scene and want to be able to shout NO and really fight without the scene ending. No matter the negotiation, you can withdraw your consent at any time and there needs to be a clear way to let your partner know that you want to stop the scene.”
Bisbey says that while this practice is reasonably common within the kink community and fueled by media and erotica, consensual non-consent often carries inherent risks and demands careful negotiation, as well as building deep trust and understanding with a partner.
“Make sure your partner responds to your wants and needs, listens well, knows how to manage a scene that has gone wrong, is observant. It is important to know your motivations and desires, and be clear about your triggers, as intense scenes are more likely to trigger. It is also important to make sure you have ways to handle your triggers.”
To prevent misunderstandings, Bisbey advises thorough vetting of partners and input from trusted sources familiar with this type of play: “Know who you are dealing with and make sure to vet the person with others specifically about this type of scene. Start your negotiation with definitions, make sure that someone outside the two of you is aware of what you are doing, when and where, then write out your agreement and sign it. This way it is clear what was agreed to in full.”
Aftercare plays a crucial role in consensual non-consent, supporting individuals in returning to everyday reality after intense experiences. Aftercare varies based on individual needs, ranging from physical comfort to emotional support and debriefing.
Bisbey warns that consensual non-consent is not for everyone: “If you have experienced real-life trauma that is not fully processed, it is best to avoid this practice. Using this to try to process trauma, though a popular suggestion currently, is not a good idea unless a therapist is supervising and the person who is playing the role of perpetrator is very experienced with stepping into and out of a role. This is extreme play, so the more psychologically healthy you are, the better.”
To learn more about Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, find and follow her:
ABOUT DR. LORI BETH BISBEY:
Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey is a clinical psychologist, accredited advanced GSRD therapist, sex/intimacy coach, author, speaker and podcast host based in Edinburgh. With more than 30 years helping people create and sustain meaningful and exciting relationships, Dr. Bisbey specialises in GSRD (gender, sexuality, relationship diversity), is consensual non-monogamy and kink BDSM knowledgable and helps traumatised people to move from victim to survivor and back into life.
On a mission to create an open dialogue about sex, relationships and authenticity, Dr Bisbey is the Specialist Relationship Therapist on Open House: The Great Sex Experiment on Channel 4, and host of the weekly podcast The A to Z of Sex®, as well as a passionate speaker, dynamic workshop facilitator and sought-after expert in the media on the topics of sex, sexuality, intimacy, relationships and sexual trauma.
Dr. Bisbey is the author of Dancing the Edge to Reclaiming Your Reality: Essential Life Skills for Gaslighting (and Trauma) Survivors and Dancing the Edge to Surrender: An Erotic Memoir of Trauma and Survival, and other books, and identifies as a queer consensually non-monogamous leather woman, and is in a full-time authority transfer-based relationship with her husband. To learn more, visit DrLoriBethBisbey.com.
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